Monday, July 1, 2013

action golf

As it has been and is now, PGA golf is closer to chess as an athletic sport than to baseball, football, and basketball. It's time to change the rules.

Here's how golf should be played: whoever gets the ball in the hole first wins the hole.

At each tee, both golfers address the ball at the same time. A starting pistol fires like in track meets. They strike the ball and then take off running for the next shot. The caddies must follow as quickly as they can, struggling with the heavy bag.

As the golfer nears his ball, he can call out to the lagging-behind caddie to stop, un-shoulder the bag, and fling him a certain club. Golfers would, of course, be required to wear some kind of protective headgear, in case they got smacked by a flung 5-iron.

It's a mad freaking dash on each hole to see who gets the ball on the green and in the cup first. Under duress and nervous excitement, golfers would rush their approach shots, sending the ball toward who-knows-where. Scrambling and zig-zagging from one side of the fairway to another.

Once both (or three) golfers get their ball on the green, tackling shall be permitted. We should probably add shoulder and knee pads to the personal equipment.

Golfer and caddie would need to be in tip-top physical condition. After each hole, there's an official five-minute time out -- for Gatorade or emergency oxygen.

No longer a need for par, bogey, or birdie. It's now about scoring points -- one point per hole.

These rule changes would not only make the game of golf a faster thing, it would make it an athletic sporting event. And it would add an element of chaos and action to an otherwise languid, too-civilized proceeding.

Hmm...better yet, do away with caddies. Make the golfer sprint with his own bag of clubs.

It would be something to see!

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