What to do about ghosts?

We've all had, I'm sure, some unpleasant dealings with the pseudo-dead. Or ghosts, if you prefer.

I'm no expert, but I have some ideas for what to do about them. These notions might or might not work. I certainly don't see any harm in trying them out.

Okay.


1.

Here's one idea. Before you go to bed at night, light a candle and set it on a table (make sure your smoke alarm has fresh batteries). Also set an ashtray there, with a nice unwrapped cigar. It doesn't have to be a Cuban, but avoid cheap stinky ones. Pour a glass of red wine for the ghost. Leave it all there and go to sleep. Of course, this method won't chase off a ghost. It will only pacify or domesticate the creature. It shouldn't bother you that night.


2.

Stronger methods are needed to actually de-ghost your abode. You might try this: get out your latest poem. When the witching hour arrives, begin reciting it. When you hear the ghost's moans take on a more peculiar and pathetic pitch, you know it's working. Ghosts don't like contemporary poetry. It somehow offends their delicate gothic sensibility. Free verse is anathema to the incorporeal. They prefer poems with strong meter. They like to sway to the older-style poems. They especially enjoy Poe poems, with their overwrought and macabre themes. But stuff these days?...your newest poem? – ghosts can't tolerate self-absorbed, existentialist irony. Or if you write relationship poems of any kind, the ghost will scream its eyeballs out. In either case, you should hear the front door slam of its own accord, the ghost absconding with its own wilting self.


3.

If step two doesn't do the trick, I suggest something different. Ghosts – I hypothesize – do not like small radio-controlled mice. So go to the electronic mouse store and buy some R/C mice. I think you can get a "Gadzooks Controller." It should handle up to ten mice at once. Practice in your garage until you get the hang of many mice scurrying in a frightful, incomprehensible manner.

Okay. It's night again. Sit down in your rocking chair after hiding your mice in tactical locations. Conceal your Gadzooks mice device under an old lady's crocheted lap wrap.

Wait for the ghost to come out. When it does, jump out of your seat and push buttons to start up all the mice. Twist the dials frantically and with courage. Create one big freaking event of whirring, ricocheting chaos! Oh yes, I forgot: make sure your R/C mice have a mechanical squeaking function. That should enhance the effect.

Your ghost should now be beside himself. Just tore up real bad. You are now in control, and the haint is at your mercy. Make all the mice head straight for the ghost. If my calculations are correct, the ghost should jump into the fireplace and exhaust himself out the chimney. Good riddance! Of course, there is always the possibility that this R/C mice stunt could make your ghost psychotic, completely unhinged. Then things would be much worse than before. I guess it's a 50-50 shot. Try this plan at your own risk.


4.

Finally, I recommend this: get yourself an old beat-up Boy Scout bugle. At the stroke of midnight – when all is silent and creepy – let go with that bugle full-throttle. Nothing on Earth can withstand the shattering horror of such a sound, especially if you, a tone-deaf amateur, try to blow “Oh, When the Saints Go Marching In.” I'm almost positive such a sound will make your ghost explode into pieces of ectomplasmic morbidity.


Well, there you have it. One of these measures should assist you with your ghost problem.