Sunday, July 18, 2010

A.H.E.M. -- Agency Handling Equivocal Menace

It may have come to your several attentions that, in my spare time, I investigate and sometimes prevent unusual phenomena. Such as an outbreak of back-talking monkeys near Kuala Lumpur that had to be quelled. I'm part of a semi-secret network of highly sensitive agents stationed around the globe. For that monkey assignment, I teamed up with K., who is a locationally fluid and metaphysically ambiguous expert.

Our base of operations is in Bucharest, Romania. We have two hidden bunkers there, one housing the control center and one our antique laboratory (which is filled with inspirations based, in a manner of speaking, on conceptions of Nikola Tesla).

We are not a pseudo detective bureau like, for instance, S.E.T.I. UFOs are so yesterday and very boring. The way vampires and Nostradamus are boring. Ordinary psychic stuff and ghosts and Trilateral Commissions and scary beasts we leave to people with paranoid delusions. We go after the true and real eruptions of the uncanny. Stuff that makes the moon bark.

Once, the laboratory designed and manufactured a copper egg large enough for two of us to fit inside. It was a bit cramped, and I was glad – the other agent was a comely Brazilian lass. Anyway, we were sent through a dubious aspect of space to deal with a possible extra-dimensional threat. We arrived unharmed, though a bit disheveled and dehydrated. The mission was a success, but it was too top secret for me to divulge the details.

Over time, I hope to publicly record other battles with the absurdly annoying. Others might find it of passing and mild interest. Anyway, just wanted you to know that someone is out here, protecting the planet from arbitrary goof-forms and spurious configurations of unholy substance.

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